dear jacs,
another new year has come. and I'm still the same old boring person I've been for the past twenty-seven years. I know I really shouldn't complain like I do, but it just really hit me hard this year. I was so hoping something would happen this year, at least a real new years eve kiss from a semi-decent guy, but sadly I came up with a big bupkus again.
still it could've been worse; it could've been last year where I got all sick and ended up going to bed at 10:30...or was it 11? does it even matter? whatever time it was, it was pathetic.
all in all I did have a really fun weekend. it was nice seeing kim and scott and drinking and reminiscing about college and kim's wedding. the only thing missing was you.
and scott practically tried to goad me into crying! not really. I doubt he was trying. we were just drunk philosophizing/reminiscing and he mentioned how much he missed you and then started talking about how without you, he and kim probably wouldn't have gotten together. luckily I was drunk enough to not immediately burst into tears and to instead just agree with him (or maybe I was lucky to be not drunk enough to be a crying sap, either way).
but still, driving home, feeling lonely and depressed, I really wanted to call someone to complain about my stupid, sorry problems, to winge and moan about how lonely and pathetic I am. but I couldn't. because you were the only person who I could really express myself to like that, that open and honestly. and that just made it worse, knowing that I couldn't talk to you, knowing that there were people I could call, but they weren't you. I had a few good cries on the way back.
I wish you could've been there at new years with us. you and eric would've had a good time. we could've gotten drunk like in the old days of 40s parties and yelling at cole bennett while at a folk music festival. drunkenly lusting after ben while I kept reminding you that you were dating eric, who you loved. wandering around acu campus, singing under the stars in the ampitheatre.
if I could just go back to those days and make time stop, I would. I wouldn't care if it meant I'd always be alone, a sad old virgin who's main joy in life was watching buffy and driving around abilene with you. because then I'd still be with you, and the hole in my heart from loneliness would be a lot smaller.
I miss you, friend. happy new year
love, jens
