resolutions

dear jacs,

another new year has come. and I'm still the same old boring person I've been for the past twenty-seven years. I know I really shouldn't complain like I do, but it just really hit me hard this year. I was so hoping something would happen this year, at least a real new years eve kiss from a semi-decent guy, but sadly I came up with a big bupkus again.

still it could've been worse; it could've been last year where I got all sick and ended up going to bed at 10:30...or was it 11? does it even matter? whatever time it was, it was pathetic.

all in all I did have a really fun weekend. it was nice seeing kim and scott and drinking and reminiscing about college and kim's wedding. the only thing missing was you.

and scott practically tried to goad me into crying! not really. I doubt he was trying. we were just drunk philosophizing/reminiscing and he mentioned how much he missed you and then started talking about how without you, he and kim probably wouldn't have gotten together. luckily I was drunk enough to not immediately burst into tears and to instead just agree with him (or maybe I was lucky to be not drunk enough to be a crying sap, either way).

but still, driving home, feeling lonely and depressed, I really wanted to call someone to complain about my stupid, sorry problems, to winge and moan about how lonely and pathetic I am. but I couldn't. because you were the only person who I could really express myself to like that, that open and honestly. and that just made it worse, knowing that I couldn't talk to you, knowing that there were people I could call, but they weren't you. I had a few good cries on the way back.

I wish you could've been there at new years with us. you and eric would've had a good time. we could've gotten drunk like in the old days of 40s parties and yelling at cole bennett while at a folk music festival. drunkenly lusting after ben while I kept reminding you that you were dating eric, who you loved. wandering around acu campus, singing under the stars in the ampitheatre.

if I could just go back to those days and make time stop, I would. I wouldn't care if it meant I'd always be alone, a sad old virgin who's main joy in life was watching buffy and driving around abilene with you. because then I'd still be with you, and the hole in my heart from loneliness would be a lot smaller.

I miss you, friend. happy new year

love, jens

Happy Birthday to You

dear jacs,

happy birthday bestest of best friends. I wish we could be together to celebrate but I'll sure have a shot of vodka to commemorate the day. I miss you like crazy especially since this is the only way I can talk to you.

I was thinking about you a lot the other day. my friend christina's son had a friend who committed suicide a few weeks ago so she's been trying to help him cope and was asking me how I managed. it was hard to put into words how I dealt with this especially since your circumstances were different and I'm much older than her son (he's only eleven, poor thing) but I told her about this blog and how much it helps to still talk to you. sure it still hurts but maybe a little less than if I didn't have this outlet.

in other news, I wrote a book! well...almost. it still needs finishing and major revision/editing (think you might want the job?) but it's there and I did it! that's all that's really important. I know if you could you'd read it and tell me it's wonderful and then suggest some brilliant ways to make it even better. god I miss you like crazy. I promise I'll write again soon whether from my itouch or from a few stolen moments on my work computer.

love you, friend

love, jens

a funny thing happened...

dear jacs,

found the scrapbook i made for you and eric yesterday. it's weird, because i could swear i'd given it to you, but there it was in one of my little decorative chests in a plastic bag along with scrapbooking materials and do-dads, banging against my leg as I pulled the bag from the chest to look at the contents underneath. my heart broke looking through it. i suppose i kept it so i could put in pictures of your wedding (i did manage the program and favors from your nuptials but no pictures per se). i found it funny, finding it (har-har) just after i'd been thinking about if i had anything of yours that i could keep and treasure. and there we go, something of yours made by me but filled with you. now, of course, i just have to figure out what to do with it.

the anniversary is coming up and i'm so not ready for it. wish i could just take that day off, but it's not as if that day is worse than any other. maybe i'll try to come visit soon. i still owe you that cotton bowl.

love you. miss you. always.

love, jens

graduation!!!!

dear jacs,

i would've posted closer to the actual event except my computer is still in the shop (and by shop i mean at nathan's house slowly but surely being reparied...i hope), but finally i can write and tell you how graduation was.

the answer is: much shorter than i thought it would be (yay! no guest speaker) but still pretty awful without you there.

i managed to not embarrass myself with crying during the ceremony (hard to do but i do suspect i've got more british in me than my family's swiss/native american ancestry would lead one to believe) and kept on a relatively happy face at dinner and then kim's afterwords, but in the picture proofs i just got in my e-mail, it's pretty clear that there's sadness in my eyes and smile. and i certainly did a lot of my usual nose-rubbing/stop-myself from crying thing when i thought about how you should be sitting next to me (or slightly down the row as there were several other f-named graduates in our college, unlike WT). i missed you up there, friend. but hopefully soon (computer repair pending) i can post the pictures of my decoratively designed memorial mortar-board (if they come out since the screen on my camera is being a tad dubious at the moment when snapping pics in sunlight). if not, i'll definitely take some after mom and i shadow-box my hoods and hat. you'd like it, jacs. it was very pink and sparkly and even had what could pass for a cosmo (or a very pink margarita).

i miss you, friend. so much. i'll try and come visit soon, and i will definitely bring along one of pa dale's cotton bowls for you. love you!

love, jens

(almost) weekend update

dear jacs,

so that stuff last week about me and a guy and a possible thing...not possible anymore. false alarm, like always. he's too busy for a relationship (though I'm not sure one was actually going to be on the menu but oh well). so back to the drawing board, or dating board so to speak.

now if only something else would go right with my life, like a new job that doesn't make me want to punch someone constantly or real date for once in my life. wish you were here so we could commiserate (though you probably would've gotten hired on at the tyler library already after your practicum).

i miss you, friend. miss you so bad.

love jens

developments

dear jacs,

i miss you like crazy tonight. maybe it's because there might (finally) be a new guy in my life...if he'd text me back or call or something (we're banking on his phone being broken since he hasn't returned any of my messages or any of our other friends). i might've talked about him to you at some point, but never as a possible romantic interest considering he was always dating someone else and you know how i cease to see men with girlfriends as available and attractive.

it just makes me so sad that i can't call and talk to you about it. i can talk the ears off of lizzie and jason, and even wrenn (who i'm supposed to call tomorrow so we can chat it out in depth), but i wish i could talk to you as well. even if you didn't have advice, you'd be sweet and supportive and wonderful like always. and funny. you'd probably make all kinds of jokes as well. the thought of not having you to talk to about this just hit me as i drove home from lizzie's while i was thinking about calling wrenn tomorrow. i wanted to call you so badly, even if it was just to hear your voicemail.

it's still not right, not fair. my throat still closes up like i'm choking when i think about the absence of you. how i won't get your funny but comforting text messages if it doesn't work out in the end. how you won't patronize me by telling me there'll be someone else eventually. how you'll make me feel like it's okay if there turns out not to be someone else ever. how you'll love me whether i'm single or married or divorced or a mother or anything. it hurts to the point where i want to hit something; god, i need to buy a punching bag.

in other news, i'm finally done with classes. and i think i somehow got all a's this semester! don't know how that happened at all, but god bless 'em for being so kind. now i just have practicum (which starts next week) and capstone (eek!). i still can't fathom that we won't somehow be working in the same library some day. that was the plan, so why did it all have to go to hell?

sorry to be so introspective tonight. you'd probably tell me to snap out of it, put on my big girl panties and deal. i'm certainly trying. it's just hard.

we talked about weddings tonight, jason and i planning out lizzie's wedding (which is still far off in the imaginary planning stages), and me positing what i would do at my own imaginary ceremony. it hurt to think about that empty spot where you should be, wearing a very pretty dress (because i'd have to pay you back for the excellent dress i had for your wedding), smiling like you were the one getting married, crying a little 'cuz you were so happy. i think i'll still see you there (even if it never actually happens), and i'll probably break my rule and cry away a little of my makeup. won't matter though. it would totally be worth it.

i wish you were here now. i wish you could be there someday. but i know i'll see you again. if there's any justice in the world (and i'm not always sure there's much but i do believe there's some), i will.

love you, friend.

"you'll be with me / like a hand-print on my heart"

love, jens

briefly (somewhat)

dear jacs,

i don't really have much to say tonight. just really missing you due to homework and talking to eric the other day. i wish we didn't live so far apart so that i could go and visit him, see how he's doing, help in some way other than cowardly and brief text message conversations. then again i'm just glad i was able to retrieve his phone number from my stupid broken phone. if only i could've saved all the pictures and other things from it as well.

more homework to do tomorrow. i also really need to set up that storytelling thing asap. so don't want to but it's due in a couple of weeks (yikes!). you'd have some brilliant advice for me right about now, i know it.

love you, miss you like crazy

love, jens