developments

dear jacs,

i miss you like crazy tonight. maybe it's because there might (finally) be a new guy in my life...if he'd text me back or call or something (we're banking on his phone being broken since he hasn't returned any of my messages or any of our other friends). i might've talked about him to you at some point, but never as a possible romantic interest considering he was always dating someone else and you know how i cease to see men with girlfriends as available and attractive.

it just makes me so sad that i can't call and talk to you about it. i can talk the ears off of lizzie and jason, and even wrenn (who i'm supposed to call tomorrow so we can chat it out in depth), but i wish i could talk to you as well. even if you didn't have advice, you'd be sweet and supportive and wonderful like always. and funny. you'd probably make all kinds of jokes as well. the thought of not having you to talk to about this just hit me as i drove home from lizzie's while i was thinking about calling wrenn tomorrow. i wanted to call you so badly, even if it was just to hear your voicemail.

it's still not right, not fair. my throat still closes up like i'm choking when i think about the absence of you. how i won't get your funny but comforting text messages if it doesn't work out in the end. how you won't patronize me by telling me there'll be someone else eventually. how you'll make me feel like it's okay if there turns out not to be someone else ever. how you'll love me whether i'm single or married or divorced or a mother or anything. it hurts to the point where i want to hit something; god, i need to buy a punching bag.

in other news, i'm finally done with classes. and i think i somehow got all a's this semester! don't know how that happened at all, but god bless 'em for being so kind. now i just have practicum (which starts next week) and capstone (eek!). i still can't fathom that we won't somehow be working in the same library some day. that was the plan, so why did it all have to go to hell?

sorry to be so introspective tonight. you'd probably tell me to snap out of it, put on my big girl panties and deal. i'm certainly trying. it's just hard.

we talked about weddings tonight, jason and i planning out lizzie's wedding (which is still far off in the imaginary planning stages), and me positing what i would do at my own imaginary ceremony. it hurt to think about that empty spot where you should be, wearing a very pretty dress (because i'd have to pay you back for the excellent dress i had for your wedding), smiling like you were the one getting married, crying a little 'cuz you were so happy. i think i'll still see you there (even if it never actually happens), and i'll probably break my rule and cry away a little of my makeup. won't matter though. it would totally be worth it.

i wish you were here now. i wish you could be there someday. but i know i'll see you again. if there's any justice in the world (and i'm not always sure there's much but i do believe there's some), i will.

love you, friend.

"you'll be with me / like a hand-print on my heart"

love, jens