nighty-night

dear jacs,

things have finally slowed down for a bit. school's over for a few weeks, i register for classes on the fourth (i think), and i just have one more christmas to partake of (sister christmas). i wish i had one more after that, with you guys. i was planning on getting you a pearl necklace, a real one. i'm sure you already have one, either eric or your mom probably already got you one, but i figured what with y'all giving me my first diamond necklace a few years back, it was about time i reciprocated.

i've had a cold the past couple of weeks, one that's turned to a coughtastically crappy cold. the other night, that all reminded me of that summer after freshman year, just after i'd moved into u.p. with lora and you spent the night and had to wake me up so i could be extra propped up with pillows to help assuage all the coughing. seems kinda silly to have that be one of my strongest memories of you, but maybe it's the little silly things that stick with us the most.

in other news, i just watched the dexter season finale, and holy hell it was excellent. you would've loved it. i'd kinda guessed where it was gonna go, but i didn't want to be right. you probably would've had everything down by the first episode but would've refused to tell me out of courtesy. i miss that, too.

i also talked to eric tonight...well, talked in the sense of texting. still it was good to hear from him, even if all we talked about were superficial things like work and playing video games (he's wow-ing it up apparently. i can just see you rolling your eyes now).

i wish i were braver, more sure that i could handle things. i'm not exactly ignoring everything that happened, i'm just internalizing most of it because i'm afraid of dealing with other people's emotions, afraid i won't know how to handle it, or i'll only be able to express how i feel, and then it'll seem like it's all about me when it's definitely not. you would probably tell me to stop being a baby and then that it's all okay, and they'll understand, and that i shouldn't be so afraid of talking on the phone with people i don't normally talk to (what a ridiculous fear to have, but somehow, that's one of the phobias i got when they were handing them out).

but what i wish most of all on this boxing day is that you were still here, still able to give me your sage advice, or even just to tell me you don't know how i should handle my problems, but you'll help however you're able. god i miss you, friend. i miss your laugh and the sound of your voice and even the way you used to borrow my clothes, especially my acu t-shirts, and not give them back for months so that when i saw you wearing them i'd have to stare at them for a few minutes before finally asking, "is that mine?" when i was cleaning out my closet i was even looking for those budweiser frog boxers you let me borrow and i somehow ended up keeping since, oh i don't know, freshman year. did you give those to me after we went running through the fountain that one night? i can't remember exactly. so many memories are so tied up in you; i don't think i can remember very many things where you weren't present. i see that look on some of my friends' faces when i mention some anecdote about you and me, like they're afraid i'm gonna cry, but usually i'm okay. it's almost like telling those stories makes me feel like you're still just a phone call or long-ass drive away. you still are a long-ass drive away, but it's not the same. it's just not the same.

i miss you to the moon and back (since we both loved that savage garden song so much). i'll never stop.

love, jens

and another thing

dear jacs,

just one more thing to do for this semester. i should've done it this afternoon, but i just couldn't motivate myself. maybe if i had been right and it was just another test, but instead it's some research article analysis. ick. why did we take this class, jacs?

as for next sememster, i'm planning to take electronic databases, collection development, and literature for youth. i know, i know, we were supposed to take storytelling, but apparently figa isn't teaching it in the spring, so i opted to take the other class. i think it's going to be a bit like our adult reading materials class, so that makes me happy. i can just keep reading all my teen books per usual. i was torn between collection development and cataloguing, but i decided on the former because many of the job descriptions i've seen have stated we need to have an understanding on how to build and change a collection.

i'm sorry i haven't written lately. preoccupied with work and school. at the moment, i hate both. neither are that bad, but they're certainly annoying. hopefully, once class is finally done, i can actually do fun things with my free time, like linger over a good book or work on my writing. here's hoping.

i'm going to keep it short this week. i need to go and get ready for work. but we'll talk again soon, friend.

"i bet you've seen one up close." you would've loved bs2, jacs. it was hilarious, only minor issues, but still great. love you.

--jens

pardon my french

dear jacs,

last night was hella stressful (i'm keen on referencing every little thing from undergrad, can you tell?), and most of today wasn't much better. i had a bunch of stuff to do at work and was bothered every 5 minutes by idiotic questions and phone calls. but, on the plus side, i got my work projects done (because it's so difficult shifting children's toys around, you know), and the rest of work wasn't that terrible. homework was a little stressful again tonight, though not nearly as bad as that statistical package last night. i just kept striking out on finding actual librarians to chat with. here's hoping they don't dock me lots of points for having to make due with an online reference librarian/public library director and a library science student manning the online ref desk...and for it being two minutes late. just two, not like last night's hour and 20 minutes. eesh. i promise, my other project will be done and turned in on time.

in other news, happy birthday, friend. if things were different, i'd probably be calling you now to tell you all this over the phone and complain about our homework. and you'd be telling me what it was like doing your practicum at the library there in tyler. if things were different...

i miss you...
i'm probably going to go have a big snot-and-tear fest in a few minutes, but that's to be expected.
and i'll call eric tomorrow. i'm sure this is even harder for him.

other updates for this week: hopefully this week i won't forget about church on wednesday night like i did last week. katie, nate, and the boys missed me (so sweet, right?). and katie said they're supposed to do caroling on friday night, so i'm definitely going to try to do that. it's been since high school (i think) that i last went caroling. if you were here, i'd force you to go, be damned all of your complaints about your singing voice not being good. who cares, it's caroling and it'll either make people happy or make them slam the door in our faces (bloody scrooges).

maybe tonight i'll dream about you again...or about eric...as long as that chatty girl isn't there again...yeesh! have a good birthday, friend.

je ne t'oublieranni jamais, ma très chère amie.

--jens

comme ci, comme ça

dear jacs,

work went by really quickly today, always a plus. but it felt like i'd done everything just a couple of days ago rather than a week ago. did my week somehow fast-foward itself without me knowing? is god dvr-ing my life and skipping forward because i'm that boring? what's your take, jacs?

after work, i went out with ashley and some other people from work. it was nice. i had a couple of drinks, we sat around and talked and gossiped (and generally made chris uncomfortable as we delved into topics like bras, boobs, and masturbation...just normal stuff really). we joked about people who were dressed weirdly (shiny purple bubble dress not at all attractive on that one girl)...and for a second it almost felt like you were there. i could remember our graduation game at wt of commenting on people's shoe choices and what kind of person they might be given their shoe-wear. i know i'm not a fashionista, and i'm sure there have been plenty of times where people have mocked my clothing choices, but it's still a little bit of naughty fun to be the mocker. i also bonded with a girl in the bathroom over how gross it was that some guy and girl were in there just a few minutes before doing god knows what and how neither of us was desperate enough to venture into the stall they used. ugh! almost as bad as those people who sexed it up in the porta-potty next to the one patrick was passed out in while we tried to wake him up. double yuck!

i probably should've gone home, gotten some sleep, and then gotten up for church. but it was nice to just hang out and relax and pretend there's not this big gaping hole in my chest. nice to remember silly things we used to do or things that happened when we were together without feeling like i'm going to burst into tears. nice to kick back and have a rum & coke and make fun of that super drunk wedding party while kibitzing about work and dumb people and expensive accessories.

it was also nice to think about how i'm looking for the boy-version of you. it's only fair. we would've been perfect together had we been prone to lesbianism, but instead you went out and found a guy so very similar to me. so now i need to find a guy so very similar to you. but where do i start looking, jacs? can you give me any hints? it would be really helpful. i guess i'm just in one of those stages where the loneliness and longing are especially strong...maybe it's partly because i can't hear you tell me that i'll find someone and things'll be great. anyone else who would do that reassuring-of-the-sad-single thing to me would just piss me off, but not you. i knew you really meant it, really believed it. and you'd had loneliness before eric, so you weren't just spouting stuff you didn't know anything about, like other people. you're not one of those silly, pathetic girls who's never been alone and doesn't have the first clue how to not be with someone. you had been just like me...you just got your luck ahead of me. i could use some help with my own luck situation, so if you could lend me some of yours or find out who could help me out, that would be great.

je tu manque, l'amie

--jens

homework hell

dear jacs,

i really hate homework. it was always better with you around because even if you didn't understand it either we could at least complain about it together and then figure things out to the best of our combined abilities. this research methods and statistics class is killing me. i just don't understand it at all, and reading the text materials and modules doesn't really help. they mention things, give definitions, but don't really tell me how to do whatever it is they're talking about. like for our group project, i only have to do two seemingly simple things, test for type 1 and 2 errors, and i found the definitions for them, but i'm not sure exactly how to test for them. and now blackboard's down for its weekly maintenance so i can't even nab the statistics and figure out how to do it. oy vey, jacs, i hate this class. whatever job i get in a library, i would like to ensure that i don't have to worry that much about statistics and research reports like this. it's just too many kinds of confusing.

i do really like our adult reading materials class. it has been so fun. the only thing i've really missed is reading your book reports. and i'm still angry at myself that i had some great idea for a mystery series we could write together and then promptly forgot it without writing it down. and then...everything else happened and now all i can remember is that i had some idea and can't remember what it was and never told you about it...and now we'll never write it. i don't care what you say, jacs, you were a damn good writer, and we could've written some really awesome stories together. i know you always helped me with my writing, always made me feel like it wasn't just some pipe dream but something that could actually happen. i planned to thank you in my acknowledgment paragraph for everything i ever published (if i ever publish anything). i had planned for you to be one of the first readers for almost anything i had, especially if it was something i was going to send in to be considered for publication. you could catch all my errors and typos and point them out not in a critical or bitchy way, but in a "didn't you mean" nice way that lets me know that i messed up, but you don't judge me for it. i will still put you in my acknowledgment page, it just won't be the same. but you were the one who always listened to my ideas, no matter how off-the-wall and silly, or melodramatic, or fantastical, and said, "wow, that sounds like it'll be a really good story." you'll still keep reading my stuff, won't you? even if i don't get the feedback you used to give, i'd still like to know you're reading and laughing and crying along with me as i write it. ... and if you could maybe point out some of those typos like you used to, that would be great, too.

je t'aime, ma très chère amie

--jens

wish you were here

dear jacs,

i dreamt about eric last night. the whole dream wasn't about him, just the end. you always listened to my weird dreams before; why should now be any different?

so, the beginning of the dream, at least the first part i remember, is being at a hotel with wrenn and farron. there was something we had to do, some mission to be completed. our mother told us to be sure and stay out of the woods themselves, to only stay in the clear areas, because there was something dangerous out in the trees. we went out to the woods, but stayed in clearings, making out way deeper into the woods via a series of clearings and bridges over a lake. i don't know what happened once we got to the center of the woods, but suddenly we were running back the way we'd come with a guy in tow. when we got past the last bridge, the guy kept saying we should take a shortcut through the trees, but i wouldn't go or let the girls go. i remembered what our mom had told us. i insisted we stay on the cleared path back to the car, and that if he didn't like it he could take his shortcut and see how it panned out. me and the girls headed for our car and then back to the hotel. our mom called us, and i was able to talk to her a little bit (though i kept dropping the phone for some reason), tell her that whatever baddies were around had my friend charlie (and i had some kind of flash vision where they were torturing him). i asked farron to close the blinds so no one could look inside our room, then i noticed that the door wasn't closed. i went to lock it, but it wouldn't lock. the locks just kept slipping loose, leaving the door slightly ajar. wrenn called the hotel office, but they told her we'd have to call a locksmith to fix it. i got angry and told her to call them back and tell them to call the locksmith or move us to another room

then things changed (probably because i woke up for a second without realizing it), and i was in a conference room area and jason mraz was performing, finishing up a concert. i wanted an autograph so i went to get a paper and pen from my mom and grandpa, then i came back to get in line for an autograph. but the line was actually just for leaving the room and going out into the lobby. jason mraz was already gone. lora mocked me for wanting an autograph since she didn't think the concert was good (she's looney apparently). as i was walking back through the lobby to our room, i saw eric sitting with a group of people. i went up to talk to him, gave him a hug. he told me they were just finishing up a lecture and then going to glee club practice (which was both funny and weird because eric was in a wheelchair with a broken foot). after their lecture finished we talked for a bit, both of us having moments of starting to say something and then stopping, not sure what to say or how to say it. there was a girl there, and she and eric were dating. i told eric i was in town for renfaire with wrenn and farron, which seems like that would make it about a year from now since renfaire's in the fall, but i was still surprised that he was seeing someone else. we all went outside, and while eric was talking with some other friends, his girlfriend and i talked. she even gave me a hug (which didn't feel that weird or off-putting). she was v. chatty, never stopped talking in fact, but she seemed nice and really cared about eric. she said she had four kids and they all loved eric (big surprise considering how nice he is, especially to kids), and then she talked about her ex, who i suppose was a big jerk though i lost most of the details due to her motormouth and my inattention. that was when i woke up.

weird, huh? while that chick was nice, she was also a bit exhausting to be around. while i know it would probably be good for eric to move on, i can't really imagine him with anyone else, especially not someone so talkative. you guys were perfect together. you were my litmus test for my future relationships. i was counting on your advice, your vetting of any potential boyfriends for me. you were the #1 person on my list of who a man would have to be approved by to be in a serious relationship with me. now my #1 spot is empty. i still have wrenn and farron, and mom, of course, and lacy and kim and tiffany and other people, but you're the one who know me the best, the one i would've trusted even if you'd told me the guy i was seeing was totally wrong for me.

i miss you, friend, so much it aches.

--jens

missing you

dear jacs,

it's almost been three months. and your birthday's coming up. this month has the potential to be almost as bad as september was. i can hardly believe it's been three months. i can hardly believe anything. is it apathy, maybe a little depression? most days i feel fine, maybe not as complete as i felt before, but not terrible, not on the verge of tears. just here, "going through the motions," living as best i can while the pain and sadness hides and waits for the best moment to attack, the moment i'm not ready, most vulnerable.

a few weeks ago, when i was just about to start work on my ren faire costume and was cleaning off the coffee table so i could use it as a sewing table, i found that card you sent after mammaw died. it felt like everything was happening all over again, like that almost healed hole was just ripped wide open again. you always know what to say when i'm sad, the perfect thing to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. i just want to hear your voice again, see your smile, know that all i have to do is pick up the phone and shoot off a text or call you, send you a silly e-mail or message on facebook.

some days i can forget, some days i do forget. yesterday was one of those days...until i remembered something, some little, inconsequential thing. and suddenly i was standing in the kitchen, clutching at the tightness in my throat and chest, the tightness that feels as if vader is standing nearby (just because it's a joke i'd have to explain to you), fighting back the tears.

how can it have been three months? how could it have happened at all? how can i forget your face, your voice? should i feel guilty for the times i do forget? or is it normal?

i still haven't called eric. crap friend i am, huh? i just don't know what to say. how to make things better, how to help. i'm broken, but i know he's worse off. how can i help him? i'm just not equipped.

my day today was not so bad. just another boring day at work, though we did finally finish that novel alpha, so at least i did something productive. of course, after i got home, seeing the sherlock holmes preview nearly made me tear up. we probably wouldn't have been able to see it together, but i know you and eric would've gone to see it, and i would with someone up here, and then we'd dish about it on the phone, whether you guys thought robert downey, jr. was as good as eric's fav holmes or didn't measure up. we'd have been talking about how we don't understand this research methods class at all, how much we're loving castle and bones and glee.

i'm going to make a baby blanket for randi from work. i don't know what pattern to get, but i'll go by joann's tomorrow and see what they have...and i'll try to avoid the temptation of the jewelry section. and i'll also call eric. i promise, jacs, i will call him tomorrow.

i miss you, friend. i'll write again soon.

--jens