dear jacs,
happy birthday bestest of best friends. I wish we could be together to celebrate but I'll sure have a shot of vodka to commemorate the day. I miss you like crazy especially since this is the only way I can talk to you.
I was thinking about you a lot the other day. my friend christina's son had a friend who committed suicide a few weeks ago so she's been trying to help him cope and was asking me how I managed. it was hard to put into words how I dealt with this especially since your circumstances were different and I'm much older than her son (he's only eleven, poor thing) but I told her about this blog and how much it helps to still talk to you. sure it still hurts but maybe a little less than if I didn't have this outlet.
in other news, I wrote a book! well...almost. it still needs finishing and major revision/editing (think you might want the job?) but it's there and I did it! that's all that's really important. I know if you could you'd read it and tell me it's wonderful and then suggest some brilliant ways to make it even better. god I miss you like crazy. I promise I'll write again soon whether from my itouch or from a few stolen moments on my work computer.
love you, friend
love, jens
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
a funny thing happened...
dear jacs,
found the scrapbook i made for you and eric yesterday. it's weird, because i could swear i'd given it to you, but there it was in one of my little decorative chests in a plastic bag along with scrapbooking materials and do-dads, banging against my leg as I pulled the bag from the chest to look at the contents underneath. my heart broke looking through it. i suppose i kept it so i could put in pictures of your wedding (i did manage the program and favors from your nuptials but no pictures per se). i found it funny, finding it (har-har) just after i'd been thinking about if i had anything of yours that i could keep and treasure. and there we go, something of yours made by me but filled with you. now, of course, i just have to figure out what to do with it.
the anniversary is coming up and i'm so not ready for it. wish i could just take that day off, but it's not as if that day is worse than any other. maybe i'll try to come visit soon. i still owe you that cotton bowl.
love you. miss you. always.
love, jens
found the scrapbook i made for you and eric yesterday. it's weird, because i could swear i'd given it to you, but there it was in one of my little decorative chests in a plastic bag along with scrapbooking materials and do-dads, banging against my leg as I pulled the bag from the chest to look at the contents underneath. my heart broke looking through it. i suppose i kept it so i could put in pictures of your wedding (i did manage the program and favors from your nuptials but no pictures per se). i found it funny, finding it (har-har) just after i'd been thinking about if i had anything of yours that i could keep and treasure. and there we go, something of yours made by me but filled with you. now, of course, i just have to figure out what to do with it.
the anniversary is coming up and i'm so not ready for it. wish i could just take that day off, but it's not as if that day is worse than any other. maybe i'll try to come visit soon. i still owe you that cotton bowl.
love you. miss you. always.
love, jens
Saturday, August 21, 2010
graduation!!!!
dear jacs,
i would've posted closer to the actual event except my computer is still in the shop (and by shop i mean at nathan's house slowly but surely being reparied...i hope), but finally i can write and tell you how graduation was.
the answer is: much shorter than i thought it would be (yay! no guest speaker) but still pretty awful without you there.
i managed to not embarrass myself with crying during the ceremony (hard to do but i do suspect i've got more british in me than my family's swiss/native american ancestry would lead one to believe) and kept on a relatively happy face at dinner and then kim's afterwords, but in the picture proofs i just got in my e-mail, it's pretty clear that there's sadness in my eyes and smile. and i certainly did a lot of my usual nose-rubbing/stop-myself from crying thing when i thought about how you should be sitting next to me (or slightly down the row as there were several other f-named graduates in our college, unlike WT). i missed you up there, friend. but hopefully soon (computer repair pending) i can post the pictures of my decoratively designed memorial mortar-board (if they come out since the screen on my camera is being a tad dubious at the moment when snapping pics in sunlight). if not, i'll definitely take some after mom and i shadow-box my hoods and hat. you'd like it, jacs. it was very pink and sparkly and even had what could pass for a cosmo (or a very pink margarita).
i miss you, friend. so much. i'll try and come visit soon, and i will definitely bring along one of pa dale's cotton bowls for you. love you!
love, jens
i would've posted closer to the actual event except my computer is still in the shop (and by shop i mean at nathan's house slowly but surely being reparied...i hope), but finally i can write and tell you how graduation was.
the answer is: much shorter than i thought it would be (yay! no guest speaker) but still pretty awful without you there.
i managed to not embarrass myself with crying during the ceremony (hard to do but i do suspect i've got more british in me than my family's swiss/native american ancestry would lead one to believe) and kept on a relatively happy face at dinner and then kim's afterwords, but in the picture proofs i just got in my e-mail, it's pretty clear that there's sadness in my eyes and smile. and i certainly did a lot of my usual nose-rubbing/stop-myself from crying thing when i thought about how you should be sitting next to me (or slightly down the row as there were several other f-named graduates in our college, unlike WT). i missed you up there, friend. but hopefully soon (computer repair pending) i can post the pictures of my decoratively designed memorial mortar-board (if they come out since the screen on my camera is being a tad dubious at the moment when snapping pics in sunlight). if not, i'll definitely take some after mom and i shadow-box my hoods and hat. you'd like it, jacs. it was very pink and sparkly and even had what could pass for a cosmo (or a very pink margarita).
i miss you, friend. so much. i'll try and come visit soon, and i will definitely bring along one of pa dale's cotton bowls for you. love you!
love, jens
Thursday, May 20, 2010
(almost) weekend update
dear jacs,
so that stuff last week about me and a guy and a possible thing...not possible anymore. false alarm, like always. he's too busy for a relationship (though I'm not sure one was actually going to be on the menu but oh well). so back to the drawing board, or dating board so to speak.
now if only something else would go right with my life, like a new job that doesn't make me want to punch someone constantly or real date for once in my life. wish you were here so we could commiserate (though you probably would've gotten hired on at the tyler library already after your practicum).
i miss you, friend. miss you so bad.
love jens
so that stuff last week about me and a guy and a possible thing...not possible anymore. false alarm, like always. he's too busy for a relationship (though I'm not sure one was actually going to be on the menu but oh well). so back to the drawing board, or dating board so to speak.
now if only something else would go right with my life, like a new job that doesn't make me want to punch someone constantly or real date for once in my life. wish you were here so we could commiserate (though you probably would've gotten hired on at the tyler library already after your practicum).
i miss you, friend. miss you so bad.
love jens
Saturday, May 15, 2010
developments
dear jacs,
i miss you like crazy tonight. maybe it's because there might (finally) be a new guy in my life...if he'd text me back or call or something (we're banking on his phone being broken since he hasn't returned any of my messages or any of our other friends). i might've talked about him to you at some point, but never as a possible romantic interest considering he was always dating someone else and you know how i cease to see men with girlfriends as available and attractive.
it just makes me so sad that i can't call and talk to you about it. i can talk the ears off of lizzie and jason, and even wrenn (who i'm supposed to call tomorrow so we can chat it out in depth), but i wish i could talk to you as well. even if you didn't have advice, you'd be sweet and supportive and wonderful like always. and funny. you'd probably make all kinds of jokes as well. the thought of not having you to talk to about this just hit me as i drove home from lizzie's while i was thinking about calling wrenn tomorrow. i wanted to call you so badly, even if it was just to hear your voicemail.
it's still not right, not fair. my throat still closes up like i'm choking when i think about the absence of you. how i won't get your funny but comforting text messages if it doesn't work out in the end. how you won't patronize me by telling me there'll be someone else eventually. how you'll make me feel like it's okay if there turns out not to be someone else ever. how you'll love me whether i'm single or married or divorced or a mother or anything. it hurts to the point where i want to hit something; god, i need to buy a punching bag.
in other news, i'm finally done with classes. and i think i somehow got all a's this semester! don't know how that happened at all, but god bless 'em for being so kind. now i just have practicum (which starts next week) and capstone (eek!). i still can't fathom that we won't somehow be working in the same library some day. that was the plan, so why did it all have to go to hell?
sorry to be so introspective tonight. you'd probably tell me to snap out of it, put on my big girl panties and deal. i'm certainly trying. it's just hard.
we talked about weddings tonight, jason and i planning out lizzie's wedding (which is still far off in the imaginary planning stages), and me positing what i would do at my own imaginary ceremony. it hurt to think about that empty spot where you should be, wearing a very pretty dress (because i'd have to pay you back for the excellent dress i had for your wedding), smiling like you were the one getting married, crying a little 'cuz you were so happy. i think i'll still see you there (even if it never actually happens), and i'll probably break my rule and cry away a little of my makeup. won't matter though. it would totally be worth it.
i wish you were here now. i wish you could be there someday. but i know i'll see you again. if there's any justice in the world (and i'm not always sure there's much but i do believe there's some), i will.
love you, friend.
"you'll be with me / like a hand-print on my heart"
love, jens
i miss you like crazy tonight. maybe it's because there might (finally) be a new guy in my life...if he'd text me back or call or something (we're banking on his phone being broken since he hasn't returned any of my messages or any of our other friends). i might've talked about him to you at some point, but never as a possible romantic interest considering he was always dating someone else and you know how i cease to see men with girlfriends as available and attractive.
it just makes me so sad that i can't call and talk to you about it. i can talk the ears off of lizzie and jason, and even wrenn (who i'm supposed to call tomorrow so we can chat it out in depth), but i wish i could talk to you as well. even if you didn't have advice, you'd be sweet and supportive and wonderful like always. and funny. you'd probably make all kinds of jokes as well. the thought of not having you to talk to about this just hit me as i drove home from lizzie's while i was thinking about calling wrenn tomorrow. i wanted to call you so badly, even if it was just to hear your voicemail.
it's still not right, not fair. my throat still closes up like i'm choking when i think about the absence of you. how i won't get your funny but comforting text messages if it doesn't work out in the end. how you won't patronize me by telling me there'll be someone else eventually. how you'll make me feel like it's okay if there turns out not to be someone else ever. how you'll love me whether i'm single or married or divorced or a mother or anything. it hurts to the point where i want to hit something; god, i need to buy a punching bag.
in other news, i'm finally done with classes. and i think i somehow got all a's this semester! don't know how that happened at all, but god bless 'em for being so kind. now i just have practicum (which starts next week) and capstone (eek!). i still can't fathom that we won't somehow be working in the same library some day. that was the plan, so why did it all have to go to hell?
sorry to be so introspective tonight. you'd probably tell me to snap out of it, put on my big girl panties and deal. i'm certainly trying. it's just hard.
we talked about weddings tonight, jason and i planning out lizzie's wedding (which is still far off in the imaginary planning stages), and me positing what i would do at my own imaginary ceremony. it hurt to think about that empty spot where you should be, wearing a very pretty dress (because i'd have to pay you back for the excellent dress i had for your wedding), smiling like you were the one getting married, crying a little 'cuz you were so happy. i think i'll still see you there (even if it never actually happens), and i'll probably break my rule and cry away a little of my makeup. won't matter though. it would totally be worth it.
i wish you were here now. i wish you could be there someday. but i know i'll see you again. if there's any justice in the world (and i'm not always sure there's much but i do believe there's some), i will.
love you, friend.
"you'll be with me / like a hand-print on my heart"
love, jens
Friday, March 26, 2010
briefly (somewhat)
dear jacs,
i don't really have much to say tonight. just really missing you due to homework and talking to eric the other day. i wish we didn't live so far apart so that i could go and visit him, see how he's doing, help in some way other than cowardly and brief text message conversations. then again i'm just glad i was able to retrieve his phone number from my stupid broken phone. if only i could've saved all the pictures and other things from it as well.
more homework to do tomorrow. i also really need to set up that storytelling thing asap. so don't want to but it's due in a couple of weeks (yikes!). you'd have some brilliant advice for me right about now, i know it.
love you, miss you like crazy
love, jens
i don't really have much to say tonight. just really missing you due to homework and talking to eric the other day. i wish we didn't live so far apart so that i could go and visit him, see how he's doing, help in some way other than cowardly and brief text message conversations. then again i'm just glad i was able to retrieve his phone number from my stupid broken phone. if only i could've saved all the pictures and other things from it as well.
more homework to do tomorrow. i also really need to set up that storytelling thing asap. so don't want to but it's due in a couple of weeks (yikes!). you'd have some brilliant advice for me right about now, i know it.
love you, miss you like crazy
love, jens
Monday, January 25, 2010
news flash
dear jacs,
i saw katie beth redding today in hastings. weird huh? total blast from the past. apparently she's up at ttu med school. it was somewhat surreal. and of course she asked about you.
it broke me. funny, since i was already thinking about you at church, working on that little creative project about you. yet for some reason i was fine then, only felt a little choked up. but after katie asked me about you, if we were still friends, i just wanted to say yes, to pretend that nothing was wrong, everything normal. then i didn't even know how i should answer. it just stumped me. finally i told her. everything was fine, i held it together pretty well until katie went on about her shopping business. then i bolted for the backroom, hiding in the goship room until the storm was over. then, during my break, i started to break down again but was saved by a timely psych episode (dear shawn and gus, thank you for always making me laugh...especially with your disco-tastic outfits).
now, work is over, it's time for another episode of psych (the one with jane lynch!), a makeshift v8 cranberry/blackberry martini, and some chicken nuggets. almost reminds me of your bachelorette party minus the wedding cake martinis (and the resulting dizziness). sadly the cran/blackberry 'tini is not anywhere near as good as the wedding cake 'tini.
classes have started. i think you'd like the children's lit class. seems like it should be fun...and quite a workload, but what else did i expect. i just wish you were here to share it with me. school is just not the same without you virtually by my side...nothing is the same without you, jacs.
well, the episode is about to wrap up, i've finished my little snack, and i'm about to pour out this suck 'tini. then it's time for bed...and possibly an aspirin or two. tomorrow's another sucktastic day at work and then hopefully a fun night with katy and randi before katy heads off to get married. i wish part of my plans also included calling you to talk about class and our projects. i'll try to text or call eric tomorrow, see how he's doing. i wish i were closer and could just go by and hang out, watch a movie, play some video games i don't really understand, just something to let him know i'm here for him. i also need to go and visit your mom. any suggestions on food i could make and bring to her? i'll have to give it some thought.
i miss you, friend. i'd give anything to hear your voice, see your face (in something other than pictures), smell your newest conditioner, have you make me a world famous jacque cosmo. yours were always so good, always perfect. mine never turn out as well. what's the secret, jacs? c'mon, you can tell me...fine, guess i'll just have to figure it out on my own.
so now i'll raise my not-so-good 'tini to you in a toast, friend. i bet they have the best cosmos ever (most likely made by you) up there in heaven, so don't be afraid to toast back. slainte
love,
jens
i saw katie beth redding today in hastings. weird huh? total blast from the past. apparently she's up at ttu med school. it was somewhat surreal. and of course she asked about you.
it broke me. funny, since i was already thinking about you at church, working on that little creative project about you. yet for some reason i was fine then, only felt a little choked up. but after katie asked me about you, if we were still friends, i just wanted to say yes, to pretend that nothing was wrong, everything normal. then i didn't even know how i should answer. it just stumped me. finally i told her. everything was fine, i held it together pretty well until katie went on about her shopping business. then i bolted for the backroom, hiding in the goship room until the storm was over. then, during my break, i started to break down again but was saved by a timely psych episode (dear shawn and gus, thank you for always making me laugh...especially with your disco-tastic outfits).
now, work is over, it's time for another episode of psych (the one with jane lynch!), a makeshift v8 cranberry/blackberry martini, and some chicken nuggets. almost reminds me of your bachelorette party minus the wedding cake martinis (and the resulting dizziness). sadly the cran/blackberry 'tini is not anywhere near as good as the wedding cake 'tini.
classes have started. i think you'd like the children's lit class. seems like it should be fun...and quite a workload, but what else did i expect. i just wish you were here to share it with me. school is just not the same without you virtually by my side...nothing is the same without you, jacs.
well, the episode is about to wrap up, i've finished my little snack, and i'm about to pour out this suck 'tini. then it's time for bed...and possibly an aspirin or two. tomorrow's another sucktastic day at work and then hopefully a fun night with katy and randi before katy heads off to get married. i wish part of my plans also included calling you to talk about class and our projects. i'll try to text or call eric tomorrow, see how he's doing. i wish i were closer and could just go by and hang out, watch a movie, play some video games i don't really understand, just something to let him know i'm here for him. i also need to go and visit your mom. any suggestions on food i could make and bring to her? i'll have to give it some thought.
i miss you, friend. i'd give anything to hear your voice, see your face (in something other than pictures), smell your newest conditioner, have you make me a world famous jacque cosmo. yours were always so good, always perfect. mine never turn out as well. what's the secret, jacs? c'mon, you can tell me...fine, guess i'll just have to figure it out on my own.
so now i'll raise my not-so-good 'tini to you in a toast, friend. i bet they have the best cosmos ever (most likely made by you) up there in heaven, so don't be afraid to toast back. slainte
love,
jens
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