nighty-night

dear jacs,

things have finally slowed down for a bit. school's over for a few weeks, i register for classes on the fourth (i think), and i just have one more christmas to partake of (sister christmas). i wish i had one more after that, with you guys. i was planning on getting you a pearl necklace, a real one. i'm sure you already have one, either eric or your mom probably already got you one, but i figured what with y'all giving me my first diamond necklace a few years back, it was about time i reciprocated.

i've had a cold the past couple of weeks, one that's turned to a coughtastically crappy cold. the other night, that all reminded me of that summer after freshman year, just after i'd moved into u.p. with lora and you spent the night and had to wake me up so i could be extra propped up with pillows to help assuage all the coughing. seems kinda silly to have that be one of my strongest memories of you, but maybe it's the little silly things that stick with us the most.

in other news, i just watched the dexter season finale, and holy hell it was excellent. you would've loved it. i'd kinda guessed where it was gonna go, but i didn't want to be right. you probably would've had everything down by the first episode but would've refused to tell me out of courtesy. i miss that, too.

i also talked to eric tonight...well, talked in the sense of texting. still it was good to hear from him, even if all we talked about were superficial things like work and playing video games (he's wow-ing it up apparently. i can just see you rolling your eyes now).

i wish i were braver, more sure that i could handle things. i'm not exactly ignoring everything that happened, i'm just internalizing most of it because i'm afraid of dealing with other people's emotions, afraid i won't know how to handle it, or i'll only be able to express how i feel, and then it'll seem like it's all about me when it's definitely not. you would probably tell me to stop being a baby and then that it's all okay, and they'll understand, and that i shouldn't be so afraid of talking on the phone with people i don't normally talk to (what a ridiculous fear to have, but somehow, that's one of the phobias i got when they were handing them out).

but what i wish most of all on this boxing day is that you were still here, still able to give me your sage advice, or even just to tell me you don't know how i should handle my problems, but you'll help however you're able. god i miss you, friend. i miss your laugh and the sound of your voice and even the way you used to borrow my clothes, especially my acu t-shirts, and not give them back for months so that when i saw you wearing them i'd have to stare at them for a few minutes before finally asking, "is that mine?" when i was cleaning out my closet i was even looking for those budweiser frog boxers you let me borrow and i somehow ended up keeping since, oh i don't know, freshman year. did you give those to me after we went running through the fountain that one night? i can't remember exactly. so many memories are so tied up in you; i don't think i can remember very many things where you weren't present. i see that look on some of my friends' faces when i mention some anecdote about you and me, like they're afraid i'm gonna cry, but usually i'm okay. it's almost like telling those stories makes me feel like you're still just a phone call or long-ass drive away. you still are a long-ass drive away, but it's not the same. it's just not the same.

i miss you to the moon and back (since we both loved that savage garden song so much). i'll never stop.

love, jens