missing you

dear jacs,

it's almost been three months. and your birthday's coming up. this month has the potential to be almost as bad as september was. i can hardly believe it's been three months. i can hardly believe anything. is it apathy, maybe a little depression? most days i feel fine, maybe not as complete as i felt before, but not terrible, not on the verge of tears. just here, "going through the motions," living as best i can while the pain and sadness hides and waits for the best moment to attack, the moment i'm not ready, most vulnerable.

a few weeks ago, when i was just about to start work on my ren faire costume and was cleaning off the coffee table so i could use it as a sewing table, i found that card you sent after mammaw died. it felt like everything was happening all over again, like that almost healed hole was just ripped wide open again. you always know what to say when i'm sad, the perfect thing to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. i just want to hear your voice again, see your smile, know that all i have to do is pick up the phone and shoot off a text or call you, send you a silly e-mail or message on facebook.

some days i can forget, some days i do forget. yesterday was one of those days...until i remembered something, some little, inconsequential thing. and suddenly i was standing in the kitchen, clutching at the tightness in my throat and chest, the tightness that feels as if vader is standing nearby (just because it's a joke i'd have to explain to you), fighting back the tears.

how can it have been three months? how could it have happened at all? how can i forget your face, your voice? should i feel guilty for the times i do forget? or is it normal?

i still haven't called eric. crap friend i am, huh? i just don't know what to say. how to make things better, how to help. i'm broken, but i know he's worse off. how can i help him? i'm just not equipped.

my day today was not so bad. just another boring day at work, though we did finally finish that novel alpha, so at least i did something productive. of course, after i got home, seeing the sherlock holmes preview nearly made me tear up. we probably wouldn't have been able to see it together, but i know you and eric would've gone to see it, and i would with someone up here, and then we'd dish about it on the phone, whether you guys thought robert downey, jr. was as good as eric's fav holmes or didn't measure up. we'd have been talking about how we don't understand this research methods class at all, how much we're loving castle and bones and glee.

i'm going to make a baby blanket for randi from work. i don't know what pattern to get, but i'll go by joann's tomorrow and see what they have...and i'll try to avoid the temptation of the jewelry section. and i'll also call eric. i promise, jacs, i will call him tomorrow.

i miss you, friend. i'll write again soon.

--jens