dear jacs,
work went by really quickly today, always a plus. but it felt like i'd done everything just a couple of days ago rather than a week ago. did my week somehow fast-foward itself without me knowing? is god dvr-ing my life and skipping forward because i'm that boring? what's your take, jacs?
after work, i went out with ashley and some other people from work. it was nice. i had a couple of drinks, we sat around and talked and gossiped (and generally made chris uncomfortable as we delved into topics like bras, boobs, and masturbation...just normal stuff really). we joked about people who were dressed weirdly (shiny purple bubble dress not at all attractive on that one girl)...and for a second it almost felt like you were there. i could remember our graduation game at wt of commenting on people's shoe choices and what kind of person they might be given their shoe-wear. i know i'm not a fashionista, and i'm sure there have been plenty of times where people have mocked my clothing choices, but it's still a little bit of naughty fun to be the mocker. i also bonded with a girl in the bathroom over how gross it was that some guy and girl were in there just a few minutes before doing god knows what and how neither of us was desperate enough to venture into the stall they used. ugh! almost as bad as those people who sexed it up in the porta-potty next to the one patrick was passed out in while we tried to wake him up. double yuck!
i probably should've gone home, gotten some sleep, and then gotten up for church. but it was nice to just hang out and relax and pretend there's not this big gaping hole in my chest. nice to remember silly things we used to do or things that happened when we were together without feeling like i'm going to burst into tears. nice to kick back and have a rum & coke and make fun of that super drunk wedding party while kibitzing about work and dumb people and expensive accessories.
it was also nice to think about how i'm looking for the boy-version of you. it's only fair. we would've been perfect together had we been prone to lesbianism, but instead you went out and found a guy so very similar to me. so now i need to find a guy so very similar to you. but where do i start looking, jacs? can you give me any hints? it would be really helpful. i guess i'm just in one of those stages where the loneliness and longing are especially strong...maybe it's partly because i can't hear you tell me that i'll find someone and things'll be great. anyone else who would do that reassuring-of-the-sad-single thing to me would just piss me off, but not you. i knew you really meant it, really believed it. and you'd had loneliness before eric, so you weren't just spouting stuff you didn't know anything about, like other people. you're not one of those silly, pathetic girls who's never been alone and doesn't have the first clue how to not be with someone. you had been just like me...you just got your luck ahead of me. i could use some help with my own luck situation, so if you could lend me some of yours or find out who could help me out, that would be great.
je tu manque, l'amie
--jens
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